02.01.06

This is me getting over you

Apparently getting your license suspended makes you a cop magnet. First there was the incident with the cop behind me with his lights on that I wrote about earlier.
A week or so ago I'm sitting at work, I think it was exactly a week ago actually, no one else on my side of the building and in walks an officer.
He stands there a second and so I say, "Can I help you?"
He then says something along the lines of "I'm looking for a criminal." I can't remember his exact words, but it was enough to cause the lump in my throat and a few beads of sweat to form on my forehead and I choked out the words "Excuse me."
Well he went on to explain that someone had set off the silent alarm in the building I work in and he was there to investigate the situation. So it had nothing at all to do with me. Thank god.

There have also been a plethera of highway patrolmen in my path. Not that the streets were void of them before, but it seems that these days they are more plentiful than I ever remember.

And then tonight...tonight I leave work a little late. Stop at the gas station and buy a Lipton sweet tea and a $2 powerball ticket, buckle up and head on down the road. Well not more than 2 miles away and I see blue flashing lights. Lots of them. There's no way around and no place to turn around and flee the scene. So...I'm hoping this is just a terrible wreck that requires 8 police cars (I'm a horrible person I know), so I sit in line. When I get closer I realize that the cops are stopping EVERY car in the line and talking to them. Now I'm thinking "Maybe it's nothing. Maybe someone died." (Yes, that's my ticket to hell) But my turn comes up so I sit there, music off, window down, my most responsible adult look on my face and say,
"Good evening."
"Evening ma'am, how are you?"
"Fine. Is everything okay?" *hoping it's not*
"Oh yes, we're just doing a little check tonight. Making sure everyone is wearing there seatbelts, being safe."
*long pause*, "Okay"
"Everything looks okay. Glad to see your seatbelt on."
*sweating, trying to look calm, and law-abiding, waiting*
"Can I see your license please?"
*throw all that responsible shit out the window*, "Sure", *I had him my license, no longer valid in the state of Ohio, and possibly West Virginia depending on who you talk to and took a long deep breath*
*He looks my license over* "Are you from around here?"
"Um, not really. Washington, WV is south of Parkersburg"
"South of Parkersburg...hmmm..."
*...oh my god please don't run my license or plates...*
"Okay have a good night"

Thank the fucking lord.

And then I call Jon to tell him. He rejected my call. And then just didn't answer. And then his phone was off. Whatever excuse he has to tell me for why he didn't answer/call back will be crap for three reasons:

1. He knew I was calling beforehand
2. He rejected my call so he knew I called then
3. He's not online, so he's not been home.

He always gets online when he comes home. And if he's out until midnight he's definitely drunk. And if he rejects my call while he's out drinking he's doing something that he doesn't want me to know about. All of this just reinforces the fact that he is not a good friend to me. Friends don't ignore their other friends. Friends don't do things behind their other friends backs. And friends don't say that their other friends mean a lot to them if it isn't true. So according to that I think we're not friends. And we've determined to no uncertain degree that we'll not be more than friends.

Now I'm sad about this for many reasons:

1. I really hoped we could be friends.
2. I was very excited about the UFC this Saturday. Jon had been (and I thought would always be) my UFC buddy. We always watched them together. However, it goes without fail that prior to each UFC event Jon does something that upsets/angers me and I jump his case. Then he pulls the "you always pick fights" and we don't watch it together. Then for whatever reason he doesn't watch it somewhere else and ends up watching it with me. I had always been happy to be there, yet always perturbing that I was his last resort. This is no more.
3. I just spent $60 on Flogging Molly tickets for the weekend of February 11th. I could probably get rid of them but this still bothers me. He got a free ticket to go and I probably wouldn't have seen him during the whole show anyway, but I hated that he was going alone so I bought the tix. Now I'm out $60. It was stupid of me to buy them in the first place. I should've known.
4. I really do love him. The last nail in the coffin of any relationship we had beyond friendship was him saying that he never loved me. It should be noted that he told me he loved me. I did not assume I was being lied to. I guess I should have. Despite all that I still do love him.
5. He knows me. He knows how I look, how I feel, he knows what I really mean by everything I write here. He probably even knows what I want him to say after reading this. He won't say it though. I know him. I know him as well as he knows me and I know this.
6. I chat with him endlessly at work. About my co-workers, about lunch, about the weather. I can talk to him. I confide in him. Sometimes I really just need someone to talk to. But when that someone rejects your calls...well I guess that's a sign.

Some things I just don't understand. Jon has said to me that it was important for us to remain friends. He said to me "I don't want to lose you." But he also rejects my calls. And doesn't answer me. And doesn't call back. So I think that's probably bullshit. And if he tells me his phone died I won't believe him. And if he says he didn't know I called I won't believe him. And if he does any less than take a bullet for me I don't owe him a thing.

And I want my pajama pants and UFC DVD's back. And my poster. And that picture frame too, because he doesn't even have a picture of us to put in it. And he never would've taken it out of the box. I'm not someone he would display on his bookshelf. And he knows me, and he knows how much that bothers me.


And I played two dollars on the Powerball.


And I didn't win a god damn thing.

emmalene at 23:09

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